Whilst writing this I am in a relatively good mood, sitting singing way too loudly probably annoying everybody but who cares?? Cause I’m happy.. Right?
This is an everyday occurrence, most days begin the same waking up way too excited and happy. Very quickly the euphoric feeling wears off, everything comes crashing down. There it is there again I’m suddenly exhausted, as if all of my energy for the day has disappeared from the 10 or so minutes of manic happiness. I usually go back to sleep until it’s past midday, some days even later just cause without the manic force driving me I cannot function normally. Very grudgingly I will drag myself out of bed, manage a shower and dry my hair, only to get back into bed.
Why am I incapable of spending days out of bed? Everything seems to be so draining, I hate myself for it. I hate how I cannot manage to be the motivated, positive person I preach to be. I encourage others constantly of these amazing ways of getting better, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, spending time with nature, clean eating and staying hydrated. Yet some days I can’t even manage to get out of bed.
Don’t get me wrong, some days I’m very productive and it would be easy to think I was okay. Some days I manage to have three meals a day, go for a run and even clean the flat. All day without napping, amazing. Until it gets to the evening, it will be like my mind is reminding me that I am not allowed to function normally for extended periods of time. Finally I will give in, fall asleep and maybe wake up at 10pm ready to be wide awake until my body gives up and allows me sleep again.
A couple of days ago I took my medication, I got dressed, went out to meet someone. It was all going okay, it was 12pm and I was out doing things. Then it all came crashing down I was tired, I wanted to sleep and my body was going to do everything it could to make me go back home. I lasted until about 2 maybe just before and I had to go home. I went home and slept until nearly 7pm. Grudgingly obliged to my boyfriend’s invite to go to and get some chocolate I finally moved from my bed. This is what I don’t understand, how I was so full of life so excited in the morning. Yet it came around to 2pm, merely 4 hours after I had woke up and I had run out of energy all motivation had left me.