A mess of ideas and feelings that I tried to put into words 

So I was thinking right it’s nearly may. 5 fucking months into this year has gone by almost. I look at my list of things I want to have achieved and I haven’t even begun on any of them. Why do we make New Years resolutions? I’m sure it just makes it all more depressing. Another way to judge how little you have done with your life. I really wanted to do so much this year. I remember the day I sat down and wrote the list I was so happy and so hopeful (obviously written in a state of pre mania).

But it’s the 22nd of April, I have a deadline for uni in three days. A flat that could really do with a tidy/clean. The entirety of the outside world to explore yet I have chosen to lay in bed. 2.17pm.
I can hear people outside laughing enjoying the somewhat warm spring weather. People and their families. My boyfriend has gone out. He has friends down here, he has people to spend time with. He tells me I should make friends too. But it’s hard and he doesn’t understand that I try so hard, yet no one seems interested.

I’ve lost motivation for the day I know it will be an achievement if I even put on clothes. I want to go to sleep so much, I keep closing my eyes pretending I’m asleep tricking myself but my mind is racing. What do I do when I want to sleep but my mind won’t let me. I worry. I’m scared that everyone will leave me. I feel so alone so often. I have nobody around me to support me. There is only so much my boyfriend will allow me in terms of support, then he tells me it isn’t his job. I understand. It isn’t his job, but whose job is it? I’m not capable.
Anyway this has turned into a rambling mess of thoughts so I shall stop here. I hope whoever reads this has a good day, wherever you are 🙂


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