Okay so anybody who has ever had therapy has always been asked that one question ‘What do you think started this all?’ especially when you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. They believe that it is caused primarily from abuse (what one of my psychologists told me idk if thats true i never bothered to google it).
What happens when you don’t know though, what if you have suppressed many years of hurt so that you cannot properly remember your childhood and early adolescent life? I have recently started to admit what happened, but sometimes it is hard sometimes I really struggle to remember things. There is a couple of years that I can’t remember for example my last 2 years of high school, it wasn’t so long ago so I should at least remember a fair amount. But it is just a blur. I can remember some, my high school boyfriend, blurry aspects of attempting to do my GCSES, fucking up at school, being put into foster care, running away. so much running away.
So what did start all of this? I know, I know what it was. I feel it at the tip of my tongue, I want to shout it at people just so they understand. I can’t. I go to tell people but something stops me, it feels like a lump I cannot shift. I swallow to try to loose the feeling, it persists and gets worse. Triggering my anxiety, I end up having a panic attack and I give up on the idea of the initial task. I have told two people in my life, the most recent one is probably my regret. I regret telling him, not because I wish he didn’t know. He should know, but because he cares too much about me. It hurts him to know, I have hurt him and that is something I can never take back. I wish I had kept it to myself, that is why I will not and cannot ever tell the people who maybe need to hear the truth the most. maybe one day i will be able to talk about it.
There are certainly many aspects of which made me this way and I am going to begin to debunk them over the next couple of weeks, hopefully it might make a difference to my overall happiness. or maybe not, we will see.