Haven’t wrote for a while, that tends to mean for most cause they are getting better. Truth is it is worse than it has been in months. I just feel my life spiralling out of control, every time it seems to get faster and harder to escape.
Apparently I am a burden. I am told that I do not want to get better, that I am not trying. That I am not a nice person to be around and I make people depressed. You know what is the worst thing about people saying hurtful things to you. When it is the people you want to understand the most saying those things.
I wish people understood, I wish people had sympathy and realised how hard I am trying. Nobody notices how many stepping stones I have crossed in my journey, they only notice when you mess up. I feel like I am constantly blamed and made to feel like I am making other people’s lives worse because I am sad. I try so hard, but I am not allowed to express sadness without feeling guilt. Guilt that I am making other people’s lives harder.
Am I meant to apologise? I feel as though everything is my fault. I genuinely think that the majority of people would not be bothered if I did one day decide I couldn’t take it anymore. I honestly think a lot of people would feel relief, that they no longer had to pretend that they care.
You always get the same answer, ‘of course people care’ but no, nobody really cares that much. Nobody checks up to see if you are okay, I only ever keep in contact with people that I message first and sometimes message more than once to get their attention. Sometimes I go hours without anyone speaking to me, even though they read my message asking for help almost straight away. People only care when it is really bad. When you are so close to the end. No one cares when you are just plodding along with your sadness, I’m not a serious threat to myself currently so I don’t need any friends?? right that’s at least how I feel.
I have so many hopes for the future, it is times like these that make all those dreams feel stupid. I will never achieve them. Why would I pretend that I could? Thank you if anyone actually bothered to read this. It is nice knowing that at least someone knows you aren’t ok.